7th January 2004–12th February 2018
It took a minute. Less than a minute.
All those months of fear and the anticipation
of pain – mine, of course. In seconds,
her eyes simply closed. Gentleness
is like that. And love. I had my hand
on her head and was stroking that soft place
in front of her ear, the place the silver
of pussy-willow in spring, though that
should be dog-willow. I was singing.
Yes, I carried on singing for minutes
though my voice couldn’t bear me up,
though I was the desolation of a distant
foghorn, broadcasting to nothing,
nowhere, no-one, on and on.
Listen, you have to bear the darkness.
You have to hear it. You have to walk
into the darkness willingly, without
wishing for light. If you don’t (I wrote
once), the darkness will come looking
for you. Listen, the journey to the
Palace of Nowhere is not long,
not even arduous. You have
simply to open to darkness, let it
into the sanctum of your heart
until it meets with light and is melted;
and in that marriage you might
at last be free.
© Roselle Angwin, 15th Feb 2018
'Palace of Nowhere' is a phrase of Thomas Merton's
This brings tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful girl she was, and what a wonderful life she would have had with you. x
ReplyDeleteTherese, how kind of you. Thank you. I was so fortunate. All animals are special, and some are something else –
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Dearest Roselle. Although this was not unexpected I still felt sorrow at your sad news. I don't know, any more than anyone, where Ash is now but I'm sure that if she can, she will be looking at you and in her own way smiling, thanking you with all her heart for the years you gave her love and joy. In the end that's all we can do. I imagine she was your anam card, animals often are a soul you can trust and share with. She was beautiful in both ways.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you Ro. Chris xxx
Chris, thank you for your lovely words, and your thoughts. I was so blessed with Ash - and of course, you're right - I've been trying to think what it was that was so special about our bond, and yes anam cara is exactly that. I hadn't applied the phrase to an animal but yes, just so. It wasn't the first time we've shared a life, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Thank you for helping me feel less alone. Rx
ReplyDelete(Must spell check before I send next time!) xx
ReplyDeleteHello Chris - I confess I still haven't found the typo. Make so many of them myself in my impatience, and yes we can't edit our comments on here!
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So, so sorry, Roselle.
ReplyDeleteSuch a moving and helpful poem.
Belinda x
Ah thank you, Belinda. Lovely to see your name here. Rx
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