from BARDO

The stars are in our belly; the Milky Way our umbilicus.

Is it a consolation that the stuff of which we’re made

is star-stuff too?


– That wherever you go you can never fully disappear –

dispersal only: carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen.


Tree, rain, coal, glow-worm, horse, gnat, rock.


Roselle Angwin

Thursday 22 August 2013

walking away

You know how it is that, if you don't learn something the first time, or the second or the third, the psyche has an uncanny way of placing you in the same situation over and over until you do? 

I think one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn, and keep relearning, it seems, is that there are times and situations and people from which/whom one simply has to walk away. I find that almost impossible to take onboard. But I've been thinking about the two or three friends I've lost over the last 30-odd years, and what precipitated the loss of our friendship, and realising that for me it's been the same issue each time.

I'm naïve sometimes. I tend to think the best of people, which is a good trait; but I hang on in there in situations where it's obvious to others that I'm harming myself, or even another, by doing this, which is a dumb trait. Also, I'm dogged, in the sense of hanging-on like a bull terrier: I'd always prefer to sort something out, way past its sell-by date, than walk away from it without resolution. Perhaps it's arrogant to think everything can be resolved?


And I'm over-responsible; plus I have a strong sense of guilt – due perhaps to my Catholic upbringing – which means that I take far too much responsibility for my part in any exchange which hasn't turned out well: beating myself up, being even more reasonable, trying harder to understand and accept behaviour that, actually, is not OK, making excuses for the other, and over-analysing my part in it. What this means, in turn, is that I try even harder.

I'm starting to realise that that one of the things that I respect and warm to most in another is the ability to see what one's done that's hurtful, and to say 'Sorry, I messed up there'. Taking responsibility for one's stuff. Owning one's shit. Taking back the projections. It takes a kind of humility and self-awareness, it requires looking at what we don't want to see about ourselves, and it makes us vulnerable. Without it, I think deep friendship and real intimacy simply aren't possible.

One of the Buddhist precepts is about doing all one can to resolve a situation. What the precept doesn't speak of is that it's also wise to stop once you feel you've done all you can; to do anything else – like continuing to try to resolve it – might be a form of coercion, of self and/or other, of soul, no matter how positive the original motivation. (I'm reminded of a Buddhist teacher's words, in that case about compassion, but I'm sure there's an analogy here: 'The kind of idiot compassion that helps little old ladies across the road, whether or not they want to go.')


'Know Thyself', enjoins the inscription over the temple of the oracle at Delphi. And I have lately realised that some people simply don't want to go there – and my expectation that they do isn't helpful. (OK, I'm a slow learner.) 

When the chips are down, as they say, no matter how lovely the person might be in many ways, or how much one appreciates aspects of the friendship, the importance of self-honesty can't be over-estimated, in friendship, for me, anyway. If we're not willing to be try to be honest with ourselves, how can we be trustworthy with another?

And, too, more fundamentally, there are some personalities and temperaments that simply don't do well together; and some people who simply aren't good for each other. It doesn't make either person wrong, or bad, or lacking; but it might mean that to stay is masochistic. Then, perhaps, there is simply nothing one can do other than just walk away.


4 comments:

  1. From Miriam:
    Thanks so much for this, Roselle; so much to say about it. It won't surprise you to know it's another interesting subject close to my heart, mind and everything.
    Yes, much resonates, particularly:
    'I'...starting.... to say 'Sorry, I messed up there'. Taking responsibility for one's stuff. Owning one's shit. Taking back the projections. It takes a kind of humility and self-awareness, it requires looking at what we don't want to see about ourselves, and it makes us vulnerable. Without it, I think deep friendship and real intimacy simply aren't possible'.
    And then this:
    '….the importance of self-honesty can't be over-estimated, in friendship, for me, anyway. If we're not willing to be try to be honest with ourselves, how can we be trustworthy with another?'

    I hope I'm not overstating it when I say that I firmly believe that gaining self-honesty and knowledge = gaining one of the most important wisdoms of all and should be part of the school curriculum from the beginning. The other thing I've found vital – also from Buddhism – is the ability, through mindfulness, to gain self-knowledge and self-awareness in the now as a way of applying self-knowledge to the self and in relation to others. For me this started in my days of performance phobia (solo piano-performance i.e.). I learned, quite suddenly when practising one day, to stand outside myself at the back of the room whilst watching and listening (to) myself playing at the same time. Not easy to do but a revelation. J & I discuss this; he finds the monitoring of his social interactions like this rather inhibiting. SAt first it is, but I've gradually learned to find it liberating and empowering: I feel more in control of my impulses, more able to keep things in balance.
    Sounds like I have it all sorted? No, far from it, as I know you know, Roselle! What wisdom it is to know something, act on it, yet realise also that it won't always work; there'll always be hurt, regret, anger etc. There's nothing absolute about anything; the lesson takes for ever to be learned and relearned. And yet it's hard sometimes to accept that there's only really one certainty in life.
    Thanks as ever, M.

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  2. Miriam, thanks so much for your wise and thoughtful reflections and additions. I'm completely with you here and re the school curriculum.

    I find it completely liberating to monitor my own responses in order to change engrained unskillful patterns - it's like a kind of workout for the soul :-) and there is a corresponding sense of psychological fitness. (TM, who doesn't share my paradigm, thinks that's all terribly worthy and Pollyanna-ish and is prob v embarrassed for me when he reads such posts! – but I think I get the kind of buzz from that that apparently others get from going to the gym! Thing is, we have to do it for OURSELVES, don't we, whether or not our significant others do it.)

    One of the things I love about the engaged Buddhist path is that it so subverts our ideas of it being really detached and 'above all this' - instead offering very direct wisdom about out interaction with the world and the need to change ourselves before it can ever change 'out there'. I've learnt a lot about my weaknesses from the Engaged Buddhist networks and retreats within which I've studied or with which I've been involved.

    I realise it sounds hardline and uncompromising when I say I expect that of my friends too, and no doubt such posts are difficult for some people - but my close friends are all willing, within their own perspectives, to examine their lives, and I guess to do otherwise one keeps oneself small to avoid rocking boats. I certainly have and still do in some areas – of course. Yes, it's a lifelong process.

    Oh and btw I have the same practice when doing a reading - even after 20 years I still shake at first unless I remember to take that both in-and-out perspective!

    Lovely to share this conversation with you.

    Love to both

    Rx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Miriam again.
      How interesting, Roselle, that TM & J are both sceptical of our habits (tongue in cheek!) and scientists. And yes, I agree this mind-power thing is exhilarating in just the same way as physical exercise.

      My excursions into Buddhism are far too thin and infrequent. You're clearly years ahead of me, though it's interesting that the performance-nerves technique came to me way before Buddhism. D'you know anything about Community of Interbeing? The closest group is not as close as I'd like – only thing is to try it I suppose. I shall look into Engaged Buddhism – thanks for all of that. I need it more than anything at the moment.

      Hope France goes well and that it's proceeding unlike last year. Am sorely tempted. Maybe some year. Also delighted to see news of The Burning Ground.

      Love from both, M

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  3. Miriam, I have a lot of time for, and a lot of friends involved with, the Community of Interbeing. Many of them are part of my own sangha, the Network of Engaged Buddhists, and Thich Nhat Hanh is very inspiring. There's an Interbeing community in Dorset that leads retreats; but there's probably nothing like Plum Village, in France, TNH's centre...

    With love

    Rx

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